May 26, 2012
Tell me what you honestly think. and can you tell me ideas or examples of how i could maybe make it a little more descriptive thx
Chapter 1
—————
"Wait, before you go, l have to tell you something." I said.
"What is it?"
"l..well..I love you. I always have…"
"I love you, too." He answered back.
He gave me a little kiss and then his dad honked the high-pitched horn.
"I have to go. Bye." He said.
He ran to the rusty old pick-up truck, and they drove off.
That was 2 years ago. And that "he"? My best friend Bam.
Well at least that’s what I call him. When we were little, he would always be bamming into things so thats what I nick-named him. His real name is Brandon Kessler.
I won’t ever forget the day he moved. I keep telling myself to keep him in your heart, but just move on. But, of course I can’t. Right now I’m standing in the rain in front of Riverwood High. I stare down at my feet, watching the water run between them and trickle down into the sidewalk drain.
I wonder what it’s going to be like at this new school. I open the rusty, steel doors and walk into
an over-crowded hallway filled with students pushing their way to their homerooms before the final
bell rings.
~~~~~~~~~~~
School goes by pretty fast but, still pretty boring. But what do you expect from a place where you just sit all day until your butt gets numb?
Anyway, I head to my pet-sitting job. I go there everyday after school. It’s the perfect job for me. I get to play with dogs, watch TV, and get paid! The dog’s names are Sparky, a spunky little chihuahuah, Rover, a dancing Pembroke Welsh Corgi, and then last but definitley NOT least, is Sizzle, just a cute, lovable Dachshund.(Weiner Dog) When I get there, I first start with their dinner. They don’t eat much. Then after they’re full, they take a little nap. While they’re sleeping i get to watch TV, eat jello and listen to music. Best job ever. After they wake up from they’re nap, I give them a little treat and leash them up for their night walk. I go a couple blocks then start to turn around and go back but something catches Sizzles scent. He suddenly jerks and yanks the rough, nylon leash right out of my hand and heads towards whatever he smells.
Tell me what you honestly thought about it and if you have any ideas on how to make it more descriptive, please, please tell me. and if you want me to post chapter 2 of it tell me! I just wanted to make it shorter so people don’t get bored and exit it out. Thanks a bunch!
Great Idea!
and thx this is my first story so im still an ametuer
wow…i cant believe you guys really like it! the other stories that i wrote people didnt like! im so happy! lol =}
oh bam moved away bcuz his dad got a job…
ill post the link soon ill probably do it tomarrow or something…or maybe even in a couple of minutes..who knows??
heres the link…
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AlT05DRt4ID7YcR_Zy5S.bfty6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20100329172251AAnwOxM
How to make this more descriptive? Well I don’t mean to be offensive here, but I feel that its a rather dumb question. If you want it to be more descriptive you just have to describe more things.
Add more detail, how does the protagonist look like, what about bam?
The initial conversation is really flat and could use a bit of body language and expressions. Describing the tone of voice and behavior of the character could give an entire new meaning to the scene.
Allow me to demonstrate.
"Wait, before you go, l have to tell you something." I uttered nervously, as he turned away.
He quickly whipped off the tears from his eyes, "What is it?" he asked as he turned back to look at me trying not to cry.
"l..well..I love you. I always have…" I said, hesitating at every word.
"I love you, too." He answered, leaning over and kissing me on the lips. I wanted it to last forever but, his dad honked the high-pitched horn ending our last moment together.
"I have to go. Bye." He said reluctantly taking a few steps back still facing me.
He ran to the rusty old pick-up truck, and they drove off.
"Wait, before you go, l have to tell you something." I shouted in the attempt to gain a few more seconds with him.
"What is it?" he shouted looking back, slowing down his pace.
"l..well..I love you. I always have…" I said using exaggerated gestures, mocking a hollywood movie scene
"I love you, too." He answered back laughing. He then blew me a kiss as his dad cursed and repeatedly honked the high-pitched horn.
"I have to go. Bye." He said.
He ran to the rusty old pick-up truck, and they drove off.
It’s really cute! I like the idea. You could even turn it into diary entries because your writing sounds just like them.
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I really like this , the only thing I’d want to know it why bam moved away but post the rest of it!
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tbhc
The intro was a bit short it needs to be a bit longer if your going back to the past and it’s VERY fast flowing like one minute she is out side her school and then she is going to work??? It is very amateur and confusing and the only reason the others have said it is good is because it is an easy way to get a best answer is to suck up. Really i’m guessing your young as your writing is basic. But y’know I’m being honest as you wanted an honest answers.
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I sort of like the simplicity of it. It is a little informal, but that is what drew me into the story. The only point I would make would be to vary the sentance length to give the piece more variety
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It’s pretty good so far, but what you need at the beginning is some sort of hook; something to draw the reader in. For example, the dialogue could be something that goes through the main character’s head every day since he left. Or something happens that reminds her of saying goodbye. It would also sound much better in the past tense, unless you made it into diary entries like someone else suggested.
It would be cool if Bam came back into her life and it took a romantic turn. A few little suggestions in the writing itself (I’ll be gentle!). First set the scene a little. Does it start with her standing in the rain? It might be good to start with her leaving her first day of school, maybe a little sad none of her current friends compare to Bam. That avoids some of the back and forth of her going into school, then leaving. Then she has the dogs to cheer her. I love the information about the dogs, but you don’t need to put weiner dog in parens. Also Best job ever is a fragment, just edit it out. You already mentioned it was the perfect job in the beginning. Just a few things I noticed as an outside reader.
Keep up with it and good luck!
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I’m wondering "Why should I care?" I don’t really see anything in this story that grabs my interest at all.
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good
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It’s great that your writing! It’s quite an easy piece to read, and I don’t normally read writings on here because I start and then give up. But this was good because it was easy and straight forward. Just a few punctuation mistakes here an there, but its alright for a first go! To improve your writing further, you could try reading a few books, nothing too challenging, but something your interested in and something that might give you a few ideas on how to write.
Hope I could help =)
Good luck.
Batman
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If your a teen, these links might help: http:
* http://whatever.scalzi.com/2006/04/27/10-things-teenage-writers-should-know-about-writing/
* http://cassandraclare.livejournal.com/21613.html
And this might help for if your writing a fictional story:
* http://www.wikihow.com/Plot-a-Story
its really good! post the rest!!
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How to make this more descriptive? Well I don’t mean to be offensive here, but I feel that its a rather dumb question. If you want it to be more descriptive you just have to describe more things.
Add more detail, how does the protagonist look like, what about bam?
The initial conversation is really flat and could use a bit of body language and expressions. Describing the tone of voice and behavior of the character could give an entire new meaning to the scene.
Allow me to demonstrate.
"Wait, before you go, l have to tell you something." I uttered nervously, as he turned away.
He quickly whipped off the tears from his eyes, "What is it?" he asked as he turned back to look at me trying not to cry.
"l..well..I love you. I always have…" I said, hesitating at every word.
"I love you, too." He answered, leaning over and kissing me on the lips. I wanted it to last forever but, his dad honked the high-pitched horn ending our last moment together.
"I have to go. Bye." He said reluctantly taking a few steps back still facing me.
He ran to the rusty old pick-up truck, and they drove off.
"Wait, before you go, l have to tell you something." I shouted in the attempt to gain a few more seconds with him.
"What is it?" he shouted looking back, slowing down his pace.
"l..well..I love you. I always have…" I said using exaggerated gestures, mocking a hollywood movie scene
"I love you, too." He answered back laughing. He then blew me a kiss as his dad cursed and repeatedly honked the high-pitched horn.
"I have to go. Bye." He said.
He ran to the rusty old pick-up truck, and they drove off.
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..I’m just gonna tell it how it is, because I’d want someone to do the same for me. It’s rough and needs work.
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i love it its really good the only thing i didnt like was the part were you called him bam because it just reminds me of bam bam from the flinstones maybe if you word it diffrently other thn that GREAT
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FROm ONE INSPIRING AUTHOR TO ANOTHER
totally freshman
don’t use the present tense – it’s lame. the present tense is the kindergarten for writers who do not undersand the more sophisticated tenses of the English language
don’t use the word "suddenly" – it makes it look like you are trying to add drama to a boring sentence
"pretty fast"? "pretty boring"? pretty lame use of slang – "pretty" is not a word
sorry, but you need to learn how to write
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Very nice! If you want you can read my story as well!
http://avengerofdreams.blogspot.com/
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It’s not bad, but the beginning seems kind of blunt, like you just wanted to get the flashback out of the way. It would be cool if you added in more emotion, highlighted the atmosphere- that kind of thing, so that it actually strikes a chord with the reader. So yeah, I’d say adding more detail would be awesome. Good luck!
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it sounds romantic
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